I remember my Mum coming home with balloons and Smarties for my brother and I. It is one of my first memories. Mum was a housewife and a mother. She never left us alone, but for some reason she’d been gone for a few days. Our family lived in the far North of Canada at the time, in a wee hamlet. Mum and Dad were new arrivals there and Dad did his best to take care of us and work whilst Mum was away. I think I was 2, or maybe 3 years old. I remember missing my Mummy and crying myself to sleep. I was so happy when she came back home and amazed at the treats – we never got anything like that in our little house.
I forgot about it for years. Then the memory surfaced during a therapy session in my Rubenfeld Synergy training. I went home and asked where Mum had gone and why she’d brought us treats. “I didn’t want you to be sad.” she said. “Why would I be sad when you came home? I was so happy to see you.” “…because I’d had a miscarriage and lost your little brother or sister. They didn’t let us know in those days what the little baby was… .” Then skipping to the positive: “And a few years later I had your little brother.”
I have had a private practice as a bodymind therapist for the past 20 years. Women make up the majority of my clientele. We face many issues as women and only one of them is miscarriage. However, most of the other issues are talked about. … if there is a death in the family or infidelity or drug/alcohol abuse or mad family dynamics, hospitalizations, you name it! Women talk. We are biologically programmed to talk. Even the way our brains form in utero is conducive to communication and it is one of the things that differentiates us from men. The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine MD.
Men are also affected by a miscarriage. Their hopes, dreams, excitement and pride are suddenly shattered. Their wife or partner is in pain and they don’t know how to fix it. Men, in general, are doers and they can be at loss of what to do.
People come to me because they are suffering either physical or emotional pain. They’ve experienced a trauma that hasn’t healed. Generally, it is because the trauma is held inside and honestly, there are some traumas that people don’t even consciously know happened. That is the body and brain’s way of taking care of us when we are trying to survive. However, there are other traumas that have a family or social stigma around the issue – such as incest, addiction, mental illness, which prevents open conversation.
Miscarriage is one of those stigmatized, silenced traumas.
Trauma becomes trapped within and is triggered by sensory memories. This means that your whole system can keep firing to a trauma response even long after the event. Many triggers are subconscious therefore you don’t recognize what is happening. However, there are debilitating symptoms that have be proven to result from the chronic trauma response which are physical, emotional, cognitive and behavioural. They can become crippling.
…And miscarriage is normal. In fact, one in four confirmed pregnancies (that is where you go to a doctor and she/he says you’re pregnant) end in miscarriage. There is nothing wrong with having a miscarriage.
There is something wrong with women being silenced about their loss. If words are said, they are often something like: “You’ll get over it.” “Time heals all wounds.” “It wasn’t really a baby.” “You can try again.” “There must’ve been something wrong with it.” These are some of the words of “comfort” that women have heard in response to their tragedy. It can also be difficult to say anything if you weren’t supposed to know your friend/ sister/ auntie/mother was pregnant.
So what to do if you’ve had a miscarriage and you feel as though there is a dead place inside your belly? What if your womb is cold and hard and scared? What can you say if you feel there are knives cutting the inside of your throat because the pain in there is too much to verbalize? How can you stop choking on all the feelings shoved down your mouth from the inside – the pain is welling up but someone is telling you not to talk, so you don’t.
Why? Shame? My body didn’t do what it’s supposed to. Guilt? I must have done something wrong. Not wanting to inflict pain on others? Love? Fear? Scared to let go of the pain because that will mean losing the final remnants of the child that never saw the light of day? So the darkness continues. The darkness of no talk and no support and no, no, no…
When you find out you’re pregnant there are many emotional responses: joy, excitement, fear, despair, love, anger, happiness…. Your physical body starts to change, your life begins to shift, adapt, change to prepare for this new life. Then you are told not to share the news because you may miscarry. There is added stress and fear in the first trimester. Relief when you reach the magical time marker. Devastation when you miscarry, either before or after the 3 months. This is the capper – how can you heal this pain and sadness when no one even knew you were pregnant? Or now you’ve shared your good news no one knows how to respond because miscarriage is the silent conversation in our society.
The world has changed. We now talk about subjects that were once taboo or whispered. We talk openly about cancer, sex, family dynamics… why not miscarriage? Women need support, compassion and understanding. We don’t need continued silence and isolation.
When the light of awareness shines on darkness, then healing can occur. How many women do you know? Do you work with? Ride the bus with? Are in your family? Look around and notice the women around you. Know that one in four has had a miscarriage. That’s a lot of women. You are not alone.
I’ve created a valuable resource for women who’ve experienced a miscarriage and another for those who want to support them. Please follow this link if you’re interested downloading this free pdf:
Disclaimer: By reading this, you agree to all of the following: You understand this to be an expression of opinions and not professional advice.
Working With Wellness makes no guarantee or other promise as to any results that may be obtained from using the information provided. You are solely responsible for the use of any content and hold Working With Wellness and all members and affiliates harmless in any event or claim.
