Santa Claus riding into jungle camp on the back of an elephant… that was one of the stories my Mum told me about her childhood. She spent her younger years in Burma (now Myanmar). She told me how excited she was to see Santa … and even years later, her eyes widen when she describes how her father would dress up and appear as Santa in the jungle.
Her Dad died on Christmas Eve when she was eight years old. The timing of his death was something I didn’t learn until I was in my thirties. There are many ways that people respond to a sad event or the anniversary of one. Some, like my Mum, try to make everything extra special and happy as a way to counteract the sadness, some withdraw and isolate themselves, some drink, some run away and others work overtime… there are so many ways to respond. None are right are wrong… they are simply different. Any can become detrimental if they become a pattern.
When you are missing a loved one over the holidays it can be lonely and painful. Whether a parent, partner or friend is gone, their death can feel like a hole. A hole that hurts and can rekindle feelings of grief, anger, depression and despair. At times like this, it can help to reach out for support and comfort from other people who share the loss of this person. It can help to remember the love you feel, recall fond memories and openly talk about the person missing from your life. But what happens if you never told anyone about your loss? What if you had a miscarriage and no one even knew you were pregnant? How do you survive the holiday with all that trapped emotion and no one to share with as you struggle in silence?
When there has been a miscarriage during the year, then the holiday season can be really painful. Miscarriage can be perceived differently than a death as it is such a silent conversation – in the sense that many people may not even know about the pregnancy. There is no acknowledgement that someone is missing from the family circle. Even if one or two family members do know, then there may be a shushed conversation, not open.
When you’re expecting to be pregnant or to have a new baby during the holidays, then there is anticipation about the event. This could be the first time you were going to share your happy news with the extended family. It could be the first Christmas or Hanukkah or Diwali or… holiday to share the family traditions with the little one. Anticipation prepares us for life, however when things do not turn out as foreseen, can be extremely disappointing. When you are alone in your grief then the burden of disappointment can be crushing.
There are also different ways of responding to miscarriage within a couple. The man may be distraught and inconsolable while the woman may be sad and yet able to move forward. The woman could be in the depths of despair while her partner may want to fix it for her, therefore doesn’t acknowledge his own grief.
A friend recently said that women are supposed to be such super-humans now-a-days, so there is no time to recognize the pain of miscarriage. She may have other children, a husband, work, volunteer work, friends…. a myriad of responsibilities to keep distracted. Distraction keeps people busy and time does heal…. However, when I talk to women about miscarriage and they’ve had one, no matter how old they are, their eyes tear up and I feel the pain that is still in their hearts.
This feeling of pain and loss can be heightened during the holiday season because of the expectation and anticipation. It is perceived as a time of family coming together. Family time can be healing when there is a circle of comfort to land in. When there is no knowledge of the miscarriage then inadvertently friends and family can add fuel to the fire of pain.
“When are you going to have a baby?” “Can we expect another family member next year?” The list goes on… So, what to do about this silent conversation? Bring it up: “Did you know that at least one in four women have a miscarriage?”
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